Zero

Como empieza el día? cuando el sol se asoma o cuando la esperanza llega? 3 ciclos atrás mi mente se nubló, no encontrando salida de la libertad pero condenada a la misma la sublime muerte de pensamiento venció las fortalezas forjadas por el tiempo esas que me guardaron de mi mismo y que no pudieron contener la niebla que embargó mis ojos.
La brisa de otoño rosa mi rostro mientras el viento quema mi piel y sin embargo la lluvia que refresca el cuerpo surge de mi fuente interna mas que de la bendición celestial, los mechones de mi pelo ocultan mis ojos de la luz pretendiendo no ver lo obvio pero no es suficiente para sosegar el pensamiento que contradice mi lógica, que cambió? mi mente sucumbió y sin embargo su fragilidad se forja en la fuerza dejada atrás por la ilógica verdad; Siento que podría volar al tiempo que me ahogo en un océano de dudas, cómo el norte puede indicarme el sur y el oeste girar hacia el este sin misericordia ni aviso alguno? me siento indefenso pero al final soy fuerte sin serlo y respiro sin voluntad de hacerlo, envidio a los necios que no leen con pausa ni invocan a palabras divinas para conquistar el corazón, bendigo a los estúpidos que encuentran placer en el erotismo y que desechan el amor haciéndolo objeto de burla... no caminarán con la frente baja, ni caminaran sobre espinas que les recuerden el camino ya recorrido.

Sin embargo un haz de luz desciende sobre mis ojos cansados, tengo que lo nadie tiene y perdí lo que nadie tuvo, eso es vivir... que de hermoso hay en la vida sino el sufrimiento? como apreciar el agua si no se tiene sed? y que hay de bueno en llorar si el alma no lo implora? mis oraciones fueron contestadas y eso me basta, me basta estar vacío para llenar mi ser de nueva esperanza, perderlo todo para encontrarme a mi solo como un crío listo para dictar un nuevo libro en su ser, hace 3 ciclos morí y mi alma no encuentra placer pero me basta, me basta lo que soy para no ser lo que fui y bendigo a aquellos que me dejaron ir pues no tendrán que forjar mi grandeza, lo que soy es bueno hoy lo sé, quiero amar esa es mi maldición y mi bendición pero el tiempo le dirá al tiempo que hacer, la música será mi lengua la cual no conoce limites ni idiomas, expresará mis profundos pensamientos y guardará mis secretos llorará y reirá conmigo, me mostrará el camino a seguir y cuando al final me canse habré vivido... este es mi día zero.

Time to go

Many time I heard of the power of evil and I did underestimated for the first time in my life I feel hopeless, this voice won't let me rest it's time to go... I need to die.
Since I was born I wasn't wanted, hated since infant hood and hated now, I have fail the purpose of my existence and yet I don't feel sorry for myself, in the past tears will change my mind and clear my soul but now I can't cry as much as I try, tears run down my face and yet I'm not crying.

I got to go, I got to go, I got to go but what's gonna happen with my kids? yes he is right they gonna be ok and with my wife? yes he is right she will find a good man... I got to go and nobody it's responsible for the way I feel if I can call this a feeling when I try to sleep it keep talking to me and when I open my eyes it rushes to my mind... I got to go, it's time I put it off for so long.

There's nothing that cheers me up, nothing to live for I got to go I'm not needed not wanted I got to go my life was a mistake nothing planned just a moment of passion, and therefore not wanted I got to go, I got to go I got to go I got to go but how? the right moment. the right place, and as I think about it I feel peace yes it's the right decision I got to go, I been a toll for those who I love they can't carry me anymore, they are tired, I'm sorry I didn't mean to stop them I got to go I got to GO.

I got to go, I got to go, time to close my eyes, time to die if I'm really gonna die maybe there's a good life after this one, yes that's my desire I got to go, I can't continue anymore, time to die.

Crazy

1:29 a.m. another long night...

How can people lose their will? the capacity to make decision on their own, to use the freedom its was giving to us, to decide, to think and proceed, many follow advised but when advised is actually advised and not control? how can people measure their freedom to own their lives and be responsible for it? the path that mortals follow is hard where conscious it's the only one that measures our actions without partiality, we are free to decide but we are not free of the result of those decisions, but if the decision was made by someone else in my life am I still responsible for it?... what make kids kids and adults adults? the capacity to take responsibility for their actions to face troubles and be willing to pay the price for their mistakes, but what is the difference between mistakes an evil? mistakes are made out of ignorance evil is made out of knowledge, ignorance is a gift that yields forgiveness in our lives, evil is doing wrong knowing the consequences of the action taken, then who make mistakes and who are evil?... What makes a human been experience God and raise above every other human is the capacity to forgive mistakes and evil, to live a life with purpose and with clear goal it's necessary to own it, to forgive oneself to learn from mistakes and not allow them to become evil, but how can I avoid mistakes? Listen to the voice of the wise, wisdom comes from experience, experience gained over many years walking this world and facing the truth avoid the advise of fools whose rewards are immediate and with short term, but what's the difference? smart people ask, fools never stop talking.
Every one pursuit happiness but what is happiness? it's to enjoy your life regardless of your condition and status to love those who love without limits and to reject those who want to destroy what's beloved to you... is that happiness? it is for me but is relative, some are happy doing evil, some are happy enjoying their family, some are happy alone and some are happy been crazy so what's happiness?... Going to sleep at peace knowing that you did right before God and for your loved ones.

A walk thru hell

Fifth night and I'm numb still no food and no sleep... As a ship sinks in the ocean so my been sinks how can a night be longer than a dream? and a thought stronger than an ox? Before I had my opinion about what was in my mind now I'm a spectator just soaring in my walk thru hell so many dark places and so many unspeakable things, words forbid it to mention and actions openly exhibit that my sense of good and bad disappear,  no I'm not unstable I'm who I'm a new man but why the show? I know maybe it's to be even more strong or maybe to erase the line draw in a close mind but is not easy they use images non existing yet and make me watch them, images hard to view but I can't turn my head nor close my eyes... interesting...painful...excited...pleasure...wrong...wright...bad...good; but who determines the right angle? is it me or them? I see, is those who suffer by them or those who enjoy them, there's darkness and yet I can't be touch nor I'm blind, it's like a tour free of charge;

Ha ha ha my eyelids are heavy but my brain wont stop, my body shakes and yet I don't move, I can hear Him clearly but I have no power, how can I be so strong and so weak? so wise and so stupid? so fast and so slow? well is not me not anymore I'm not a double minded person and then the invitation... end it, end with all of it now 1,2,3,4,5 or more peels and then go to sleep you will rest and feel no more, ha ha ha what a fool! I'm not easy not a coward I can face my pain, enjoy it and watch it dance, then the message or is it? as I my sight get's lost in the wall... a hug, a strong hug waking me up and a soft kiss on my cheek... " I can read your mind" my son walks away...